Uncle Walter's Rants

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

He hath bore me on his back a thousand times,

and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is!

My gorge rises at it.

Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. 

Experts warm that millions of rings may be "romantically defective"!

This is an URGENT bulletin! Apparently real diamonds are "romantically defective" when compared to... a fake diamond? A perfectly formed man-made fake diamond. Which, I have to say as a partially color-blind guy, looks completely fake to me. There are colors that should not be here and without the natural defects found in say, real diamonds. You know the things that come out of the dirt and are cut to look nice. This thing came out of a lab, which is OK, but doesn't look real at all. Yet, it somehow has the power to make real diamonds "romantically defective".

So, just what is "romantically defective"? Does the presentation of a "real" diamond fail to excite your lady? Is that even a defect in the diamond or the lady? And, who are these experts? Was this a scientifically chosen panel or a batch of kids at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party? And another thing, 4 carats? How big is four carats? Well, I looked it up, its 10.2 mm which is freakishly large for a normal ring. It's as big as this circle. 

Now I am a fan of giving your lady the right things for them and if they want a large fake gem then get them this, but I seriously doubt it will instantly transform all her diamonds into "romantically challenged" goods.

-UW

 

You all know that it's true, don't deny it!

Yet another Clever Comic brought to you by The Girl

5 Second Rule!

Yet another clever comic brought to you by The Girl

Seriously, what makes you think this is alright???

Not only does this car not have a handicapped pass or plate, but it is in the handicapped acces area for wheelchairs.  To top it off they are partially on the sidewalk. Now that's a classy driver.

Uncle Walter's Homemade Plain Bagels

So, you want some bagels and you want to make them yourself? Well, here is your chance! I came down with a craving for some today and set out to make them. Usually I find some random recipe on the web. This time I took one and messed it up a bit making some rather tasty treats.  Are you ready to make some? Here we go!

First get some stuff. Namely this stuff:

4 1/4 Cups of Flour
2 Tablespoons Yeast
3 Tablespoons Sugar
3/4 Tablespoon Salt
1 1/2 Cups Warm Water

Ok, so you have that stuff handy?  No?  Well go get it. I'll wait...

Ready... OK! Time to mix stuff!

First, mix all the dry stuff together. For those of you who are word challenged, that means mix together everything that isn't water. When you're done with that, it's time to bring out the big guns. And by that I mean the Kitchen Aid.

Don't have one?  Then buy one. They are good at mixing stuff.  For our exercise here you will need to use the Captain Hook attachment.

Captain Hook: Pirate and Mixer Visionary

The Kitchen Aid people made this wonderful attachment that takes the kneading part of making bagels out of your hands... and puts it in a machine. Just add the dry stuff to the bowl and turn the mixer on. Slowly add the warm water and watch as your powdery mess magically turns into dough. Let it run on low for about eight minutes. Then take a step back and admire your work. Yep, that's dough.  Good job! 

Next, we have to take the dough out. But before we do that, put some flour on a cutting board and on your (clean) hands. That way it doesn't stick to everything. Put the dough on the board and fold it a couple of times like a sheet fresh from the dryer.

Now tear off some chunks and make it into balls about 2 inches in diameter and space them out, about 2 inches apart on some wax paper. When all the dough balls are made, lay a light towel on them and leave them to rise for about twenty minutes. As they rise, fill a large sauté pan and set it to boil. Then preheat the oven to 375°F. Take a baking sheet and put some corn meal down so the bagels don't stick after they are cooked.

When your twenty minutes are up roll your balls into snakes and make them bite their tails.

If your dough looks like this, you're making them too thin.

Put your snakes into the boiling water, for approximately three minutes. Then flip them over and boil them for another three minutes. Place the boiled bagels on the baking sheet and then place them into the oven, for a whopping 30 minutes. While they are baking, do some dishes, I don't want to see the kitchen a mess when you are done.

Ding! Thirty minutes have passed and behold you have some yummy bagels. Enjoy!

 

Yeah, they are that good.

-Uncle Walter

Why I want to win 100 million in the lottery

I don't ever expect to win, but I do like to think of what I would do if I did.  Beyond paying off all my debts and repairing the exhaust on my Volvo, I think I know what I would like to do.  I would like to create an American Micro-Finance organization. In case you haven't heard, micro-financers are lenders who makes small loans to those who would not otherwise qualify for, or need, large loans. These loans are for as little as $50 and they have a very high payback rate. I would love to setup a small micro-loan firm to help those who are struggling to get out of debt by granting low interest loans to replace high-interest debt. I also want to help small start-ups with seed money. You know, enough to allow the entrepreneur to begin to realize a dream. Help that kid ready to change the world by giving him or her the chance to grow an idea big enough to attract funding by venture capitalists. I would just want to retain a small portion of the company in a silent role. 

It's just, as I think about the challenges in life and the unexpected surprises that pop up, I think there is an opportunity to be the person who can make a difference for those in need - and those ready to change the world. I think it would be good for me, for those I can help, and the country as a whole. 

Not that I ever expect it to happen, but it would be nice.

-UW

What we need is a shuttle rescue mission for the Phobos-Grunt probe

Yes I know that the shuttle has been retired and is no longer flight ready, but Russia's 18th failed attempt to reach Mars is still salvageable. I am amazed that we don't have the capability to fly up there and retrieve or repair the probe and send it on its way. This groundbreaking device was going to bring back material from Phobos, a Mars moon, and now it drifts aimlessly in low Earth orbit while engineers try in vain to reach it. A shuttle could save it, so could a private vehicle.

Instead it will blow up when it hits the atmosphere (with luck) and not rain radioactive material on people. Actually the risk to us is very low, but there is sadness in the fact that this probe could have been so easily saved. Hard to believe that we walked on the moon in 1972 and haven't done all that much up there since. We can't even rescue a crippled probe in low-earth orbit.

-UW

 

And so we did it... Florida

Taking off amid much fanfare, we went toward the wild land of Florida. I am pleased to announce that the PT Cruiser exceeded all expectations and pulled the 'Scort all the way down (about a thousand miles each way). We detached about a half hour from the camp site and I drove it the rest of the way. Just to make sure the car was in good shape. And I have to say, it performed admirably. The 'Scort and Cruiser worked great in Florida and the Cruiser pulled the 'Scort all the way back home without incident.

The camping portion of the voyage went pretty well too. There was a small leak over The Wife when it rained, but the kids and I slept soundly, so... no big problem there ;)

Four nights of camping, one failed fishing expedition, and not a single campfire. In fact, we ate dinner out every night. But it wasn't a camping trip, not really. It was a "visit in-laws" trip so eating out was expected. All in all the trip went fairly well. No death threats, no fist fights, and the kids got to play with thier cousins.

There were challenges along the way, just as there always are, but for once they weren't car related. We brought enough stuff to get by, with a few minor purchases, and once there we had two cars so we could do different things. The Wife even got some deep sleep on the trip, despite the air mattress. All in all it was probably the best visit down there we had ever had.

You see, The Wife's family has some ecentricities. After all she is the sixth of seven children and there are bound to be a few interesting ones in the batch. Fortunately the more "interesting" ones were not present and we only had to deal with the half-way to normal ones. 

Best of all, we now have an easy way to take vacations and take two cars. One for our stuff on the way and one for me to drive when we get there. Because sometimes you really need two cars.

Look to www.waltersshop.com for the technical and mechanical how-to on this little voyage.

-Uncle Walter

We're going on a trip in our magic rocket... 'Scort

Ok, ladies and gentlemen the time has come for the pilgrimage to the land down under (commonly referred to as Florida) to visit the dum dum duuuuumm... in-laws.  Or as The Wife knows them the "family". Yes we will make the trek from our undisclosed location to the foreign land where it is hot and wet to see people that came out of the same uterus as The Wife, as well as their offspring. We will be driving in The Wife's PT Cruiser with a little friend behind. Yep, the $350 1985 Ford 'Scort.  I hear it was once an Escort, but it doesn't "start with Ease" anymore. (Say it outloud it makes sense ;) So it's the 'Scort. We will use it as a trailer to get down there and then use we will have two vehicles so that dear Uncle Walter may flee the dum dum dummmm... in-laws if necessary leaving The Wife to fend for herself. Or the other way around and The Wife can flee her dum dum dummm... "family" for her sanity, leaving Uncle Walter to fight them off with his floppy shillelagh (if you have to ask you are not qualified to know).

We shall camp in the land of gators, tourists, and gray hair. The kids will have fun, The Wife will push through and UW will try to get some sleep (first kinda vacation in many many years). The blogs will continue for the duration (with one or two possible delays in posting) and we will keep responding to comments as best we can.  And... I will try to do a bit of travel journalling here so I can log our adventure and misadventures.  May be an interesting read after the fact, we'll see.

-UW