For lunch today I raided the freezer and found that The Wife had picked up a batch of the Banquet frozen dinners, which all seemed the be spaghetti and meatballs. I am sure she got it for The Boy, but I needed a lunch so I grabbed it. There are plenty left for him. Sadly, I have not yet realized the culinary disaster I was about to experience.
At lunch I opened the package, utilizing the clever little "tear here" strip that never tears completely. Inside was a black plastic container with a thin film of plastic on top. Below the film were frozen noodles on one side and on the other, what resembled frozen testicles in strawberry jam. The directions were easy enough to follow. Make a slit in the plastic, cook for three minutes, stir, and cook for one to one and a half minutes more. I took my trusty plastic fork and attempted to break the protective film on top. The fork broke. I kid you not, this was some serious plastic. The frozen noodles laughed at me, until I pulled out my Gerber multi-tool and made a quick incision with a knife. Into the microwave it went and I waited for three minutes.
DING! I took it out and peeled back the film. I pulled out the trusty "replacement" fork and went to stir. Unfortunately the arctic tundra of jam and testicle sauce refused to budge. A few quick jabs broke it into manageable pieces and stirring of a sort commenced. Soon the "sauce" and the noodles where commingled as best one could hope for. Back into the microwave it went, for one and one half minutes.
DING! I removed the tray and peeled back the film, like I would remove the dirty sheet off the bed. Behold, before my eyes, was something that appeared similar to the cover of the box, yet different. The aroma of bland, watered down tomatoes wafted to my nose and I took my seat to eat. Fork #2 continued its long tradition of serving me and soon some noodles entered my mouth.
Yes, they felt like noodles. And tasted like them. So far, so good. The sauce though, oh the sauce, was some sort of salty tomato type thing that was very watered down. For some unknown reason, perhaps for seasoning, there were black dots in the sauce. The dots still made me think of strawberry seeds, but fortunately that was where the similarity ended. This flavor was not good, but acceptable. Then I made a horrible mistake and took a bite out of the testi-- I mean meat ball, which yes, still looked like a testicle, despite the claims that it was a ball of meat.
It was a mass of meat-like substance that had, quite literally, no flavor at all. It had a consistency similar to play-dough, but broke apart more easily. It was a distasteful thing, something that sent shivers down to my soul. It was what I would imagine eating an eyeball is like. My eyes, and balls, twinged at the thought.
The overall flavor was poor, the consistency weak, and the mental imagery terrifying. The price, I am sure, was good, but not worth the mental anguish of consuming the dish. I give it a 23 out of 438827363.
-Uncle Walter
They were on sale for $.99. I know they're not great, but Banquet generally has some palatable frozen meals. The "Kid Cuisine" meals that the kids like are, on sale, $2.50 each! So, in trying to keep within the Christmas present/food/entertainment budget you allotted, and since the kids only eat the pasta portions anyway (well, except for the brownies), I figured this was possibly a better alternative. Especially for when The Boy *demands* pasta and the pasta I have made "mysteriously" vanishes. So I tried something new. Sheesh.
Posted by: The Wife | December 15, 2010 at 02:57 PM
I think they'll be great for the kids, just not me, and .99 is a great price. I actually like a lot of the banquet meals, this one was just well, unique. Perhaps we will put a lock on the fridge then pasta will stop vanishing, that is unless the girl wants it. She's pretty good at picking locks.
Posted by: Uncle Walter | December 15, 2010 at 03:24 PM