Uncle Walter's Rants

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Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959!

Professor Walter's old recipe blog came up with a neat treat the other day.  Better Homes & Gardens Holiday Cook Book from 1959. This gem has some glorious things, like cocktail wieners with bacon wrapped olives and bowls of plastic fruit.

 

The front is only the beginning of the fun you could have at a party in 1959.  Check out the back, paying special attention to the oh-so glamorous birthday party clown.  No party is complete without one.

So, how can we have this special party for ourselves in 2011?  Well first of all you need an anorexic wife with an enormous rear to decorate your overly crowded table with your equally thin daughter.  Short haircuts are a must.  Be certain to make the centerpiece a large hourglass.

So, now for the real meat of the challenge.  To party like it's 1959, you have to plan for it. This handy guide will help you with hints like putting pillows on the floor for people to sit on, because after all, chairs are so informal.  

Finally, for the party you must plan activities, lest your guests become bored and, god forbid, leave.  For a proper holiday party it is best to bring a nurse, linebacker, policeman, mariachi lady, and skeevy guy recording everything for blackmail purposes later.  Don't forget, buffet traffic must flow smoothly or chaos will reign supreme.

And on that buffet table, what should you serve?  How about creepy Pinocchios with random foods shoved on their noses?  Nothing says tasty like little wooden boy snot.  Since this is a 1959 party, the tray below should serve ten people. 

For the main dish we must go with an Italian classic: spaghetti with meatballs, with some little freaky guy watching you.  He serves no other purpose than to watch you, much like a cannibal waiting for his dinner to be fattened.  At night, I imagine this guy sneaks in and attacks the elderly to make more meatballs.

And that is how you party in 1959, any questions?  Good.  Now go celebrate!

-Uncle Walter

An Uncle Walter Book Review of Teri Woods Triangle of Sins by Nurit Folkes

In the process of finding quotes for the Romance Quote Blog I skim many, many romance novels.  Are they good books or bad?  I really don't know.  I just skim them.  Today I skimmed "Triangle of Sins" more than I intended to, and actually have enough knowledge to write a summary/review.

So, this is what I know.  This lady named Natalia is engaged to a guy named Mark.  She's disappointed with Mark because he cums of her tummy instead of inside her, despite the fact she had regular birth control injections and they don't have AIDS.  Then Natalia is kidnapped by Shawn, a gangster drug dealer.  Natalia thinks this is some erotic-type-thing that Mark is doing.  Then she finds out it is drug gangster Shawn, so she does what anyone in that situation would... she sleeps with Shawn.  A lot.  Then I skipped a lot and found out Mark is sleeping with some lady whom he appears to have a baby with.  Then Natalia has a baby, not sure if the father is Shawn or Mark.  Meanwhile Shawn is flaccid with some random lady.  A mob guy becomes Natalia's Lamaze coach, and then the baby is born.  Mark tries to take it away.  Shawn and Natalia try to flee the county, but get gunned down in an airport and the baby and Shawn appear dead.  It is suggested that Natalia lives.  The End.

So, that is my understanding from about five pages of 334 page book that I actually skimmed.  Do I know the whole plot?  No, but the back cover provided enough for me.  I have to ask, why would you read this?  I like romantic movies, but this was awful.  Really, really awful.  Not to mention enough bad sex lines to have a quote orgy.  Things like "Magnums, well aren't we ambitious?" and "His erect penis saluted her." What to say except that, this is, to say the least, not on my recommneded reading list, at least for the five or so pages I skimmed.

-UW

"My god," He thinks. "She is beautiful."

That line made The Wife laugh tonight.  Now, you may ask how could this make her laugh?  Well, in my sordid past, I was in the public speaking team in high school.  I was pretty bad at it, but the skills never left and have only gotten better.  One specific way they have improved is in my ability to do, well, a little bit of voice acting, I suppose.  So when The Wife asked me to read a portion of a romance novel from a website, I couldn't resist creating voices for all the characters, going all out with it.  Each voice developed through the story, and the man's didn't click until I saw that line. Instantly I knew that a 70% Charlton Heston was called for.  So, our female character opens her front door to see her boss, who has come over to help her with some work.  He looks at her and thinks to himself:

"My god, She is beautiful."

Now, imagine Charlton Heston saying that line, kind of chewing on the words, "My god."  That one line almost had her hit the floor, and really made me think.  Should I make a book on tape?  Well, MP3, rather?  I think I actually found something that I enjoy and may be good at, but still adds to the Uncle Walter empire.  Of course the whole thing is pretty funny to listen to as well, and it would manage to get me to read a romance novel.  Let me know what you think.

-UW

Unfinished bad romance is the special of the day, how should I finish it???

The storm had hit the small town of Slinky Hollow hard.  The 36+ inches of snow had knocked out power to many homes.  In the midst of this crisis a hero was called for, a hero in dungarees, a hero with a multi-meter.  Dirk StrongNipple was a tall strapping man with a long mane of golden hair that cascaded down his muscled shoulders.  His bulky legs pushed the gas and clutch of the manly power truck as he guided it down the snow covered lane to the first house on his list, a miss Farto Esyfrwds .  Her power had been out for two days.  It was Dirk's job to bring it back.  From the truck he contacted the home office, which informed him power was running to the home, yet her lights were still dark.  He would have to investigate... personally.

He opened the door of the truck and planted his heavy leather boots into the snow.  Her demure house sat ten feet ahead of him.  He trudged through the snow carrying a hard leather case of tools, and meters.  His large hands knocked on the door and it swung open revealing a petite young woman wrapped in a blanket.  Her breath was visible as she breathed in the cold air of her home.

"Can I help you sir?" she asked, her blue lips shivering in the cold, her face framed by long light brown hair.

"Ma'am, I'm here to check your power could you please show me your box?"  he looked at her dark blue eyes with his bright blue ones, and she felt a warmth ignite in them.

"Of course it's over here"  She motioned to the breaker box on the wall.  Dirk opened the box and saw the main breaker had tripped.  With a flick the lights came on and the rumble of the furnace pushed warm air into the room. Farto dropped her blanket to the floor so that the warm air could blow across her body which was wrapped in a flimsy nightgown.

"Oh, thank you so much," she said, "How can I ever repay you?"  She smiled the warmth returning to her now vibrant face, her body warm, ready...

"No need to thank you ma'am, this is just my job"  He started to get ready to go

"Please stay just a little longer, in case it goes out again", she pleaded.

"Well, OK ma'am, if you insist..." He looked at her nightgown hesitantly, "you may want to wear something a bit warmer"

She looked up at him and smile, then slipped out of the nightgown, her love portal already as damp as a leaky basement, "how about you hold me and keep me warm"

Confused he blushed and replied, "Ma'am, I think the blanket would work better" but his body betrayed him and his tungsten carbide pole rose up, pushing the tools on his belt aside, reaching for her sopping passion swamp.

"You say one thing, but your body says another," she smiled "I think I'll listen to your body..." and she gently released his tool belt which his the floor with a loud thud. 

Dirk gasped as she ripped his dungarees off his body flinging them to the floor.  His throbbing stiffness sprang forth from its cotton prison and leaped toward her. She dropped to her knees and let her tongue roll out of her mouth and began to savour him like a wine connoisseur.  Dirk groaned and Farto tasted a drop of his baby batter on her tongue, "hmm" she thought "salty like sea water".  She had a strange urge for some taffy.

As the passion overwhelmed Dirk he took both powerful hands and ripped the shirt from his body revealing his glistening pecks and pronounced nipples.  He reached down and lifted the small Farto by the waist.  She wrapped her arms and legs around him as he lowered her down onto him.  With a pop his lemon shaped head plunged into the darkness of her smoldering passion gate igniting a flame within her that felt like it had ignited her body from the core.  She held him tightly and her nipples, like diamond tipped ICBMs , pushed into his granite chest.  Finally their mouths met and soon their tongues were dancing a forbidden dance together.  So hot, so close that their teeth gently rubbed against each other.

....  Hmm, what should happen next???

-UW

The start of a new story... SciFi this time...

In his decrepit apartment, Slinder Corson awoke with a vision.  His forty year old face, well worn, and scarred was bright with fresh enlightenment.  The dream had come again, and this time, this one time, it had all stuck with him.  The meaning, the method, the way.  Somehow as he slept his mind had deciphered the greatest problem that had plagued him for the past 25 years.  He got up and went to his desk and began to draw out the plans to change what was and make a new yesterday.

Over the course of the last four thousand years the human race has seen its fortunes crumble at the hands of a select few power mad war mongers.  Every few hundred years, peace and progress would give way to the onslaught of war.  Millions would die over and over again with every war.  As humanity spread through the galaxy, worlds would fall under the reign of various warlords.  It was on a distant world that Slinder was raised, the son of a teacher, grew as a scholar, destined to take his place at the university alongside his father.  To guide and educate the future generations of 3rd dynasty of the most recent empire.  Then, on his fourteenth birthday, war erupted, and the corrupt leaders of his small world broke free of the empire, which had itself been slowly falling apart.  The loss of the small world was hardly noticed, as it was just the first of 48 similar worlds which left the tattered remains of the empire and formed feudal societies, where the mayors of the empire were now the kings of their planets.  This break was smooth, painless, as the empire had lost the strength to stop it.  It was the years that followed that brought pain and suffering.

Each world had once been part of a combined society, where each performed its own part.  The people of Silco sold their natural resources of steel to the planet of Tharton where the metal was made into star ships, which were outfitted with engines and other parts from at least a dozen other worlds.  Without the forced peace the empire maintained each world found itself dependent on another for survival and vulnerable to the whims of the kings.  As such war broke out. 

Slinder was drafted into the army of his home world of Hardon on his fifteenth birthday.  Hardon was at first a peaceful planet of traders and educators, but with the collapse of the empire it quickly tried to establish itself as the ruler of the surrounding planets.  Harlson Tisk, the former mayor, and newly appointed king realized that the resources of Hardon would only support the planet for a decade or two and that conquest of its neighbors would bring the stability he so craved.  The stability and prosperity that would guarantee his son and his son's sons a new empire to command for centuries to come. 

The empire Tisk craved did not come and Slinder found himself a highly educated foot soldier fighting for his life as Hardon became a barren battered planet.  It was in these moments where he faced death that he decided he had to make things right.  It was 25 years later that he finally figured out how.

Slinder sat, looking over the plans, his dream had completed.  The detailed a small device with a holotox ring, utilizing xenon based power sat in his wooden desk connected to a small portable holo-projector.  He fiddled with the knobs on the base of the device and entered a long series of coordinates into it.  The device lit up and the holo-projecter emitted a beam which began to take shape on the floor.

Robert Ludlum's Bourne Series Quick Plot Outline - The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, & The Bournce Utlimatum

I have just complete reading the Jason Bourne trilogy by the late Robert Ludlum (not the later books of the series by Eric Van Lustbader which just aren't as good).  I was turned on to these books by the movies, of the same name thinking that there may be something similar between the two and I might enjoy them.  Truth be told, the books were fantastic, and the movies pale in comparison.  So, I have decided to reveal the stories of these books, in rapid fire form.

The Bourne Identity

Once upon a time in the ocean there was some guy floating around with gunshot wounds.  I boat picked him up and dumped him with a drunk doctor who patched him up.  The guy has amnesia, and has a microfilm embedded in his leg with a bank account number in Zurich.  Later, after feeling better, guy goes on fishing boat to repay them for saving him.  He gets upset, beats alot of them up and has to leave or the town everyone will beat him up so, off to Zurich with him to find out who he is via the account number!

In the bank he has lots of money and he is happy albeit confused, till people come to kill him.  But he does learn his name is Jason Bourne.  He runs and ends up in a hotel after a while where he takes a woman named Marie as a hostage.  Marie is a tall redhead french Canadian brilliant economist.

HELLLOOO NURSE!!!

Anyway, he takes her and uses her for escape.  She goes and gets what she thinks are police, but they are out to kill him and try to rape and kill her.  He saves her but is shot.  She takes him to a hotel to recover and they hotel together.  She says he is good, he says no, she says sleep with me, he says OK.

Traveling to Paris for answers they find out he is Cain the evil assassin from the Orient, out after the Jackal the evil assassin from Europe.  After lots of killing and people trying to kill him including Alex who is a one footed CIA guy who thinks he has gone to the dark side of the intelligence business, Jason learns that he is from Operation Treadstone, which is a plan to fake a killer called Cain, and send him to kill the Jackal.  Everything was going fine until Jason got his amnesia, then it all went to h3ll.  So Jason sneaks into the US tries to kill the Jackal in New York, and Marie convinces Alex that Jason is a good guy.  Jackal escapes, Jason lives, Alex is guilty and Marie sleeps with Jason some more.  Then Jason remembers his real name of David Web. 

The Bourne Supremacy

Wow, it's now five years later, David is a teacher under government protection, because he is the only living person to see the Jackal alive.  David is happy, Marie is happy, they have a good friend named Mo who is Jason's shrink.  Mo is also friends with Alex.  Well, Marie gets kidnapped, taken to Hong Kong.  Jason reemerges from David, and gets angry then goes to the orient to kill someone who is a fake Jason Bourne who is killing for money.  Jason is tricked into believing that Marie is held by bad Hong Kong dudes, but is in fact held by the US Gov't who just want fake Jason captured by good Jason.  Jason captures the guy, sees some lunatic in China and eats some noodles.  Marie escapes from the bad people and meets up with Alex who went out to help along with Mo.  Jason brings fake Jason to US place, thinking Marie is dead, and goes on a killing rampage.  Fake Jason is killed by marines.  Real Jason sees Marie, says hi there.  They have sex.  Jason goes and kills crazy Chinese guy.  They all go home happily ever after... until

The Bourne Ultimatum

David is now fifty and teaches a lot, and is old and creaky.  Marie is a housewife with two kids.  Then a threat comes from the Jackal.  Jason pops out and sends Marie and kids to Caribbean for safety where Marie's brother runs a hotel owned by David and Marie.  Jason goes to Washington and hatches a plan to get a government conspiracy so upset that they will hire the Jackal to kill Jason.  Jason complains about being old.  The group is called Medusa, lots of people die.  Jason goes to Paris, and tracks the Jackal.  Then he goes to the Caribbean where the Jackal almost kills his family.  Mo gets kidnapped and drugged by Medusa mafia goons then escapes on the promise of a bathroom abortion, but skips out before delivering.  Jason goes back to Paris, Marie sneaks out to be with him.  Alex is along for the ride as is Mo.  Jason's, knee is sore, he feels old.  In the end they go to Moscow (not Marie, she is in Maryland with the kids in a CIA safe house) and try to catch the Jackal who is now old and nutty and dying.  The Jackal tries to destroy a Russian town he came from (was trained there) and succeeds, but Jason shoots him, then he tries to blow him up.  Jackal escapes into tunnel, but is trapped and drowned (funky KGB trap).  In the whole process Mo is shot as is Alex, but they both survive (Mo loses use of an arm).  With the Jackal dead, David is back and they are in the Caribbean recovering with Mo, and Alex, but Jason is tired and feels old.

The End.

-Uncle Walter

Movies made from books

Lately I have been working through the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum.  It has been an enjoyable series, just three books, but fun.  There are more, but they are written by someone else and aren't as good, so I am just reading the original three.  I started them because I enjoyed the movies, and thought the books would be good.  Well, they are good, and have just about nothing to do with the movie.  In fact they are so far removed from the plot you have to ask how they can even have the same name.  Both are fine in their own right, but they aren't the same.

I see the same thing over and over with when books get made into movies.  There are some exceptions like Harry Potter and the godawful Twilight stuff, then you have things like Cheaper By The Dozen where the movie has just about nothing to do with the book.  I guess I just don't understand why people use book names for movies.  Oh well.

-Uncle Walter

Meyerpiers confuse me

First of all let me preface this with stating, that i have not, nor do I intend to, read the books.  I did see the first movie, I doubt I'll see the new one.  I did see the bunnies do twilight at http://www.angryalien.com/aa/twilightbuns.asp which I believe makes me more than qualified to complain about this series.

So, The Twilight Saga, New Moon is coming to theaters and little teeny bopper girls (and their mothers) seem to be thrilled.  In fact, most women out there seem to be head over heels in love with the characters in this movie.  I can't say I understand it.  This is like a cheesy teen soap opera with vampires.  I love you, no wait we should be apart.  No I love that other guy, but not really, oh yeah he's a werewolf and you two are mortal enemies, but you sparkle in the sun so you would be good at a sunny disco, not to mention the fact that you know the only place in all of Washington State that has sunlight.  This is bloodsucking teen angst.  No wait, they are vegetarians, they don't eat people, they eat something, can't remember what, perhaps cheese whiz.  Oh, and don't forget that they are decades old, but keep going to high school.  Really??  I went once, I graduated, I was done.  I DO NOT want to repeat it over and over and over and over again.

These sparkling meyerpiers are weird, and the romance is weird.  Now to be honest I do enjoy traditional chick flicks like When Harry met Sally, but this is just painful.  I love you, no I don't, perhaps I do, no wait maybe I just want a snack, lets go to Denny's and the blood bank.  This is closer to a really really bad soap opera, especially in the last book, which I have heard, makes the least sense.  After so many angst ridden pages of turn me into a vampire, no, please, no, pretty please, no... well OK, everything gets uber weird with babies, and werewolves and tigers, Oh MY!  I guess this thing is just not for me.

-Uncle Walter

Still hacking out stories, This one is called Doris, might finish it one day...

Chapter 1

High above the streets of New Metropolis a swirling vortex of clouds spread outward encompassing the city.  At the center was a small cylindrical craft emitting the clouds.  It was twenty feet long, ten feet wide and hovered in the eye of the storm.  Inside sat the maniacal Dr. Sinclair, his hand wrapped around two control sticks he guide the growth of the storm.  By now the courier would be delivering his demands for 500 million dollars to the mayor, and the mayor would comply.  Her ratings were already low and she can't afford the destruction of the city.  That would be political suicide.   With his right hand he pushed forward and a targeting screen came up on one of the many displays in front of him.  He pointed the cross-hairs so they lined up with the Daily Times building and fired.  A brilliant flash blinded him for a moment as lightening raced downward and set the building ablaze. The good doctor chuckled to himself, everything was going perfectly.

Outside the window something caught his eye.  There floating nearby was Captain Crisp, the cleanest hero around.  He looked in trying to see who the pilot was.  He was a 6'4 muscular man dressed impeccably in a three piece suit, with a cape.  Captain Crisp, was the town's protector, and Doctor Sinclair's nemesis.  There was a tapping at the window,

"Is that you Sinclair?"  said Crisp

The doctor smacked his forehead.  Of course it was him, who else was this devious.  He picked up a microphone and spoke into it.

"Yes Crisp, it is I Dr. Sinclair in my Weather Dominator!  I am the Bringer of doom, and..." Crisp cut him off.

"Can you stop all this, I have a dentist appointment I need to get to and you know how hard it is to reschedule those"

"Oh, well yes I suppose, those are hard to...  Hey wait a minute, No I am the bringer of doom!  You cannot stop me!"

Crisp sighed, "Fine" and with that took a fit and smashed it into the top of the cylinder.  Inside Sinclair grabbed the safety rails to keep from being knocked out of his seat and reached for the counter measure switch, but before he could Crisp gave the cylinder a swift kick, and Sinclair heard a sonic boom.  Every warning light went off at once, and outside the window the earth and sky were tumbling as we darted across the sky, finally crashing into the ocean over a hundred miles away.

Over New metropolis Crisp shook his head and flew off to the dentist.  The storm clouds receded and the Daily times building slowly burned, long since vacant as a result of the demise of newspapers.

Out in the ocean, Sinclair climbed about an inflatable life raft with a homing beacon and radio.  There was going to be hell to pay when he got back.

Chapter 2

At four AM Doris's alarm buzzer went off.  She got up and prepared for the day.  She was a diminutive 5'4 woman, slightly round, with graying curly hair.  Her small apartment was immaculate, her clothes for that days work were layed out.  She quickly prepared for the day, hair, makeup, nails, clothes.  She was the image of perfection in a smart gray jacket, white blouse and grey skirt that came to just below the knee.  She did a quick walk though of the apartment, making sure everything was just perfect, spending a few minutes to smooth out the plastic covers on her couch, then headed out the door, locking three deadbolts behind her.  Outside at the bus stop she sat quietly and pulled a scarf she had been knitting out of her purse and continued her work on it. 

The bus ride was short, and she arrived at the dully brick office building around 5:30.  Inside she stepped carefully over the old tile floor toward the single elevator and pressed up.  On the second floor she stepped out into a dimly lit hallway and pulled out her keys, unlocking the front door for Energy Design Innovators, Inc.  Inside she disabled the alarm, turned on the lights, and started the coffee.  She did a quick pass though the office, checking the short gray cubes, making sure everything was in place and there were no messes.  A messy desk would not be acceptable at EDI!  Once she had her cup she started work prepping for the 9am daily status meeting.  Although she was officially the office manager, she really kept everything together in the small office of about 20 people and the daily status was her job to facilitate.

At 9 the office had filled and was buzzing with activity.  Doris opened the doors to the main conference room and took a seat at the head of the long mahogany table.  The attendees filled in around the table and the few stragglers took chairs lining the room.

"Thank you all for coming," started Doris "As you know we have alot to do, so I i'll keep this as brief as possible.  First of all we have the feedback on our latest project, The Weather Dominator."  She looked at a small man in a cheap black suit seated at the far end of the table.  "Stan, marketing dropped the ball on this one.  Our customers do not like the name Weather Dominator.  They say it sounds like a cheap cartoon gimmick.  I need better out of you.  You get one more chance."

"Oh thank you," said Stan nervously "I will not let you down Doris". 

Doris smiled, flashing her perfect teeth, "Wonderful, I'm glad we can continue our working relationship.  Now Bill, it appears that Captain Crisp destroyed the dominator and our client is not pleased.  The countermeasures you developed did not activate in time to stop him."

"Ah, well, it takes 34 seconds to initialize the system.  If Dr. Sinclair had read the manual, he would have known the system needed to be activated in advance.  I really can't be held responsible for a failing of the customer." said Bill, with an air of confidence.

"Well, Bill, actually, the original requirements called for an always on defensive system, and you seem to have failed us."  Doris got up and walked over and stood behind Bill who was seated at the table.  "I am afraid we are going to have to terminate you."  Bill wa conscious only long enough to realize that a needle was pressing into his neck, then everything went black.  Bill's lifeless form collapsed on the table.  The crowd nodded to each other in approval, Bill had been a problem, he had been death with.  "Now, onto brighter things, Jack here" she motioned to a tall thin man sitting against the wall "did a magnificent job, with the weather control circuits and lighting targeter.  he is our employee of the month!  Let's all give him a cheer, he will get a five hundred dollar Amex Card and one day of vacation time!."  The crowd clapped and everyone smiled at Jack, he had earned this honor.  Bill's body remained still on the table.  "Now everyone be back here at 1, we are all having cake to celebrate Jill's birthday!  She will be turning 27, in her fifth year with us!  Thanks everyone for your hard work, I will see you then!"  Doris ended the meeting and the room emptied.  Doris was the last one out and, looking back, shook her head at Bill's body.  "It is so hard to find a good engineers" she muttered to herself.  Back at her desk she called the "cleaning crew" to take care of Bill, and place a call to Cheerful Times Super Happy Placement Services so they could send a new engineer over right away.