Uncle Walter's Rants

Billy Zane, thank you for the miserably bland performance in The Phantom

The Wife isn't happy, but when it came on cable today I had to watch it again. This monster of a superhero movie is so bad it is good. Billy Zane is The Phantom, a jungle hero who battles in New York with guns and a mundane voice. I am amazed his villains don't just collapse into comas from his droning. It's like his secret weapon is targeted narcolepsy. Somehow he keeps a straight face playing this guy and that just makes this mess better. Throw in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (The original Kristy Swanson not the new one, Sarah Michelle Gellar) as the female interest and Catherine Zeta-Jones as a kinda villain, in their most unremarkable performances... ever and it is even better. They bounce off Zane's bland Phantom like silly putty on a newspaper.  They reflect the blandness back.  It is so bad it is great. Each line is mock-able, even the movie tag line, "SLAM EVIL!" just screams bad.  I have to recommend this traffic collision of a movie if you want cheese with a side of potato salad and have an evening to put on your own home version of MST3K.  Some movies are so bad they are good and this is one of them. 

-Uncle Walter

 

What the world needs now...is a good critic

Once upon a time I started this little blog because of one thing, the movie Ultra Violet.  As a fan of bad movies I hoped that this would provide some enjoyment.  The reviews were mixed, but they never match my tastes.  Either the movie is great or stinks by them, but they never worked for me.  Then I saw this poorly assembled piece of garbage and I realized that someone should have warned me.  No one told me really how bad it was, no one prepared me, no one told me taking a bathroom break and missing some would have made it a better movie.  I felt it was my duty to be that person and warn people about bad films (and approve of good ones).  Yet, somehow in the process of the rants blog other things came up and it evolved from my23cents.com (movie reviews) to Uncle Walter's Rants (lots 'o' ranty things).

This weekend I took the boy and girl to see How to Train Your Dragon.  It was a fun adventure that was action packed and with a happy ending .  It is one of those movies that I think just about everyone would enjoy.  Yet the news stated it was doing poorly in the box office.  It deserves props.  I feel that old desire brewing again to be a movie critic, just on the side.  Should I start up My23Cents as a movie review site again, as it was in the beginning?

-UW

The name is West, Adam West

One little tidbit the good Professor stumbled across the other day that really caught me off guard.  Did you know that George Lazenby's less than stellar performance as James Bond, the studio approached Adam West to be Bond?  West declined stating that the role should be played by a British actor, but wouldn't that have been pretty awesome?  I just saying that would be cool.

-UW

Movies made from books

Lately I have been working through the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum.  It has been an enjoyable series, just three books, but fun.  There are more, but they are written by someone else and aren't as good, so I am just reading the original three.  I started them because I enjoyed the movies, and thought the books would be good.  Well, they are good, and have just about nothing to do with the movie.  In fact they are so far removed from the plot you have to ask how they can even have the same name.  Both are fine in their own right, but they aren't the same.

I see the same thing over and over with when books get made into movies.  There are some exceptions like Harry Potter and the godawful Twilight stuff, then you have things like Cheaper By The Dozen where the movie has just about nothing to do with the book.  I guess I just don't understand why people use book names for movies.  Oh well.

-Uncle Walter

Late Addition Cartoon Sidekicks, proof that the show has jumped the shark

All of you have recognize it.  The moment when a show jumps the shark (I am of course referring to the Happy Days episode where Fonzie jumped a shark on his motorcycle marking the end of good episodes).  Unfortunately cartoons often have toy tie ins and there is all too much pressure to keep them on the air.  The brilliance of the writers comes out in full force and we have the creation of a new character.  A character whom the viewers universally despise and see as proof the show has ended.  Let's look at some examples.

1.  Scrappy Doo

Yeah, no one liked this little twerp.  He was proof that poor Scooby was nearing the end.  Not only was Scrappy universally disliked, but the hatred of him grew in later years to such a degree that he was the villain in the live action movie.  There are few left on this earth who cry in pain when they hear the words, "Puppy Power!"

2.   The Great Gazoo

Ok, what knucklehead at The Flintstones thought that this would be a great idea?  Hmm, lets see.  Why don't we take a prehistoric family and throw in a alien who talks down to the star, and calls him "Dum Dum".  Nothing about this guy made any sense, he was a freaky green alien who floated around that only Fred and Barney could talk to.  Kind of an alien Snuffy.

3.  OrOrbitty

Yes I recognize the Jetsons were never on the long enough to qualify for Jumping the Shark, but they did have a freaky thing known as Orbitty.  This little furball with spring legs was plain freakish.  I have to give credit where credit is due though.  They used Orbitty to his utmost on Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law when they disclosed that he was genetically engineered corn.

4.  Nat, Snappy, Slouchy, and Sassette Smurfling

Smurfs, bound by age old tradition, such as no females, and babies only coming on blue moons suddenly get Smurfette.  OK, we accept that.  She is some freak of the lab at Gargamel's, but now we have four kids who just show up?  So lets see three (boys) were made younger by some accident.  Ok, not so bad.  Then they want a friend for Smurfette and decide to make one but since they were kids they used kid size ingredients and made a kid.  Yeah, right.  They just wanted four little smurf rugrats running around.

5.  Bubba the Cave Duck

We all knew Ducktales was near the end.  They introduced Gizmoduck (fortuntly a lightly used character) and Launchpad was leaving for St. Canard soon.  But then they introduce this little POS to the cast.  Not only as a fleeting meeting, but they try to make him a regular member.  That is just so so wrong.  I don't know what to make out of him.

Anyway, as you see cartoons introduce freaky sidekicks way too often right at the moment that they should be taken off the air.

-Uncle Walter

Meyerpiers confuse me

First of all let me preface this with stating, that i have not, nor do I intend to, read the books.  I did see the first movie, I doubt I'll see the new one.  I did see the bunnies do twilight at http://www.angryalien.com/aa/twilightbuns.asp which I believe makes me more than qualified to complain about this series.

So, The Twilight Saga, New Moon is coming to theaters and little teeny bopper girls (and their mothers) seem to be thrilled.  In fact, most women out there seem to be head over heels in love with the characters in this movie.  I can't say I understand it.  This is like a cheesy teen soap opera with vampires.  I love you, no wait we should be apart.  No I love that other guy, but not really, oh yeah he's a werewolf and you two are mortal enemies, but you sparkle in the sun so you would be good at a sunny disco, not to mention the fact that you know the only place in all of Washington State that has sunlight.  This is bloodsucking teen angst.  No wait, they are vegetarians, they don't eat people, they eat something, can't remember what, perhaps cheese whiz.  Oh, and don't forget that they are decades old, but keep going to high school.  Really??  I went once, I graduated, I was done.  I DO NOT want to repeat it over and over and over and over again.

These sparkling meyerpiers are weird, and the romance is weird.  Now to be honest I do enjoy traditional chick flicks like When Harry met Sally, but this is just painful.  I love you, no I don't, perhaps I do, no wait maybe I just want a snack, lets go to Denny's and the blood bank.  This is closer to a really really bad soap opera, especially in the last book, which I have heard, makes the least sense.  After so many angst ridden pages of turn me into a vampire, no, please, no, pretty please, no... well OK, everything gets uber weird with babies, and werewolves and tigers, Oh MY!  I guess this thing is just not for me.

-Uncle Walter

Michael Moore is Annoying

Michael Moore is an odd character.  He has the skills to convey broad concepts tailored to his perspective.  He attacks capitalism, healthcare, and everything that gets in his way.  In Team America: World Police he is referred to as "A Socialist Weasel" by I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. and that is not out of line.  What surprises me is that Moore makes valid points, and is skilled at playing them out on the screen.  The problem is that he picks a side, plays it out, and calls it a truth.  In Sicko we see how bad the US Healthcare system is, but we don't see the positives of the system.  He is infallible in his "documentaries".  That is another problem, they are called documentaries, but they aren't.  They are politically motivated campaigns to push his ideals on whomever will watch. 

Honestly his movies are more like the cheap romance novels I see all too often.  Moore is the hero who has come to enlighten us and save the poor victims.  He will sweep us off our feet and show us there is a better, safer place.  Then he will attack our enemies or friends, or anyone he doesn't agree with.  The only thing missing is the pebbled summits, and trust me I do not want to see his. 

The worst thing about it is that he is so good at conveying messages, too bad all of his are diluted mutated truths.

-Uncle Walter

Surrogates - A Movie Review

Alright, here we go!  First the synopsis!  Bruce Willis is back in the new action movie Surrogates, another movie based on yet another comic book.  It is the future where people stay at home all day with they hook up to these things that let them control robots that do everything for them.  They work, play, have sex, everything.  All in all it's in interesting world.  The robot version of a person is called their surrogate, kinda makes sense.  Well anyway there are some people who don't like the robots and live in little robot free commune with horses and stuff.  Anyway, some guy fires a gun at a surrogate, that does something that kills the operator (no it doesn't make sense, I won't try to explain).  So good old Bruce in his Moonlighting era bad toupee surrogate goes after the bad guy.  Long story short his surrogate gets smushed, he had to go out in person, he stops an evil plan to kill everyone using a surrogate.  Oh, and along the way seems to resurrect his marriage.

So how was it?  Well, the actors all looked and acted pretty plastic, but hey they were supposed to be plastic.  Gritty old Bruce walking around the young beautiful robot people was a bit odd.  Overall it was enjoyable, but a bit heavy on the morality of living life through robots is not living life.  Yeah, they are right and all, but come on.  I just want to see Bruce beat people up, not philosophize.  I didn't expect a "yip-pie kai yay" but I did expect a bit more.

So would I recommend it to you?  Well, if you like cheesy pseudo action films with a bit of over morality then yeah, go see it.  I do have hope that it will be better on the small screen where the fakiness of the whole thing is less noticeable. 

If you want a gripping drama, comedy, action or, well, something really good, don't bother.  For me the fan of bad movies it was fine, for The Wife, if I were to take her to it, she may consider it grounds for divorce.

-Uncle Walter

It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, or at least it once was

In 1963 Stanley Kramer created a madcap comedy of a group of people racing to get $350,000.  It had an cast of the greatest comedians of the era, and before.  This was a who's who of funny.  The movie was a commercial success and is considered one of the funniest moves of the 20th century.  The people who were in that movie shaped today's comedians and created the gold standard of humor in America.  Unfortunately few of them are left.  Let's take a moment and look at the greats that were in this picture.

• Edie Adams as Monica Crump - Died Oct 28th, 2008
• Milton Berle as J. Russell Finch - Died Mar 27th, 2002
• Sid Caeser as Melville Crump - Alive, Still active
• Buddy Hackett as Benjy Benjamin - Died June 30th, 2003
• Ethel Merman as Mrs. Marcus - Died Feb 15th, 1984
• Dorothy Provine as Emeline Marcus-Finch - Alive, Retired
• Mickey Rooney as Dingy 'Ding' Bell - Alive, Still active
• Dick Shawn as Sylvester Marcus - Died April 17th, 1987
• Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer - Died Nov 1st, 1985
• Terry-Thomas as Lt. Col. J. Algernon Hawthorne - Died Jan 8th, 1990
• Spencer Tracy as Captain C. G. Culpeper- Died June 10th, 1967
• Jonathan Winters as Lennie Pike - Alive, still active
• Eddie Anderson as Cab Driver - Died Feb 28th, 1977
• William Demarest as Santa Rosita's chief of police - Died Dec 28th, 1983
• Jimmy Durante as "Smiler" Grogan - Died Jan 29th, 1980
• Peter Falk as Cab Driver - Alive, Still active
• Paul Ford as Col. Wilberforce - Died April 12th, 1976

The list of cameos is even larger with some of the greatest stars such as The Three Stooges, and Stan Freberg. 

All I am asking is that you look at the people who have influenced comedy over the years and realize how many have moved on.  Virtually the entire Vaudeville generation is gone.  Now we see another generation fading.  Do not forget their impact and lets all hope they keep going.  They leave a lasting mark on this world that makes people smile, which is something that we all need.  It won't be long until they have all moved on and we will be the generation that is on it's way out.

Seperate the artist from the art

So with Polanski in the news and other things like it we are once again faced with a dilemma.  Do we boycott the art, because the artist did bad things?  Well Polanski made alot of movies, that got lots of awards.  Should we dodge Rosemary's Baby because Polanski did bad stuff?  What about the Mommas and the Papas?  It just came out that John Phillips has an incestuous affair with his daughter for ten years.  Should I not enjoy Monday, Monday now?  Woody Allen has his own "unique" character flaws (too much of a headache to go into here), does that mean that I should never watch Sleeper again? 

No, it does not.  There is art, and there is the artist.  Hemingway committed suicide, but his books are considered great.  Just because the artist may be a nut job wacko child molester, doesn't mean that the art isn't beautiful.  Now I am not advocating we all go buy movies by perverts, but don't avoid them either.  The works they have created are part of the human experience now and they do allow someone who has hurt many to contribute, in a positive way, to the world.

So, I am still going to enjoy listening to my music from the Mamas and the Papas, and I will watch Bananas, and keep my mind open to enjoy the art that exists.  I will not support these nuts just because they make good art.  They need to pay for their crimes just like anyone else, but I will enjoy what they have made, I will just watch it when it is on cable, I don't think I will buy the DVDs (that does send a buck or two back to them).

-Uncle Walter