Uncle Walter's Rants

Guess what! I made dinner and it was good!

So I got home and thought to myself, "self, you're hungry what can you do about it"?  Well, I thought a while and decided that food would be a good option, but I didn't want to ruin my dinner. Then I thought, "what about dinner?" I need food for that as well and The Wife wouldn't get back to the home with the munchkins until later. I felt it was my job, no my duty, to provide for my family!

Of course there are requirements that must be met in making the food. The kids had to eat it, the food should be tasty, and it should at least pretend to be healthy. So, I ruled out the cake mix right away and kept looking. Hmm, frozen tilapia, egg rolls, Kid Cuisine, Chef Boyardee. What to make. I checked the clean dish availability and determined that the fish could be fried. I found a stash of potatoes, so mashed potatoes joined the mix. A bread product was called for, so I figured quick biscuits would fit the bill.

I washed the potatoes, cut them up and threw them into boiling water. Next I turned to the awesome power that is Google and found a recipe for batter to fry the fish in. Luckily I found one that was beer based, the best kind of fish batter. I tweaked the recipe slightly and soon had some fish frying. The potatoes finished boiling and I whipped them up in the Kitchen Aid. Soon potatoey goodness was complete (after adding milk, salt, pepper, and butter). The Wife arrived  just as the last fish came out of the oil. Suddenly panic struck me to my core... no biscuits! I tracked down a recipe for quick biscuits and pumped them out in record time. A good meal was had by all!

For your dining pleasure, here are the recipes for what I made!.. well, except for the potatoes -- I didn't measure any of that.

Quick Biscuits    

2 Cups Flour
1 Tablespoon Baking Powder
1/2 Teaspoon Cream of Tartar
1/4 Teaspoon Salt
1/2 Cup Melted Butter
1 Cup Milk

Preheat oven to 450. Mix all the ingredients then drop in dollops onto a greased cookie sheet. Bake 8 to 12 minutes or until golden brown.

Beer Battered Fish

Fillets of fish (about 8 or so)
1 Cup Flour
2 Tablespoons Garlic Powder
1 Tablespoon Paprika
2 Teaspoons Salt
2 Teaspoons Ground Black Pepper
1 Beaten Egg
1 Bottle of Beer (Wheat brew works best)

Heat up some oil (about 1/2 inch). Beat all the ingredients together. Dip the fish and gently put in the oil. When one side is done flip and do the other side. Take out and put on paper towels so the oil will drain. Fish should be golden brown.

Uncle Walter's Homemade Plain Bagels

So, you want some bagels and you want to make them yourself? Well, here is your chance! I came down with a craving for some today and set out to make them. Usually I find some random recipe on the web. This time I took one and messed it up a bit making some rather tasty treats.  Are you ready to make some? Here we go!

First get some stuff. Namely this stuff:

4 1/4 Cups of Flour
2 Tablespoons Yeast
3 Tablespoons Sugar
3/4 Tablespoon Salt
1 1/2 Cups Warm Water

Ok, so you have that stuff handy?  No?  Well go get it. I'll wait...

Ready... OK! Time to mix stuff!

First, mix all the dry stuff together. For those of you who are word challenged, that means mix together everything that isn't water. When you're done with that, it's time to bring out the big guns. And by that I mean the Kitchen Aid.

Don't have one?  Then buy one. They are good at mixing stuff.  For our exercise here you will need to use the Captain Hook attachment.

Captain Hook: Pirate and Mixer Visionary

The Kitchen Aid people made this wonderful attachment that takes the kneading part of making bagels out of your hands... and puts it in a machine. Just add the dry stuff to the bowl and turn the mixer on. Slowly add the warm water and watch as your powdery mess magically turns into dough. Let it run on low for about eight minutes. Then take a step back and admire your work. Yep, that's dough.  Good job! 

Next, we have to take the dough out. But before we do that, put some flour on a cutting board and on your (clean) hands. That way it doesn't stick to everything. Put the dough on the board and fold it a couple of times like a sheet fresh from the dryer.

Now tear off some chunks and make it into balls about 2 inches in diameter and space them out, about 2 inches apart on some wax paper. When all the dough balls are made, lay a light towel on them and leave them to rise for about twenty minutes. As they rise, fill a large sauté pan and set it to boil. Then preheat the oven to 375°F. Take a baking sheet and put some corn meal down so the bagels don't stick after they are cooked.

When your twenty minutes are up roll your balls into snakes and make them bite their tails.

If your dough looks like this, you're making them too thin.

Put your snakes into the boiling water, for approximately three minutes. Then flip them over and boil them for another three minutes. Place the boiled bagels on the baking sheet and then place them into the oven, for a whopping 30 minutes. While they are baking, do some dishes, I don't want to see the kitchen a mess when you are done.

Ding! Thirty minutes have passed and behold you have some yummy bagels. Enjoy!

 

Yeah, they are that good.

-Uncle Walter

A tasty treat for the inner cannibal in all of us

Popeyes, masters of chicken for when you aren't in the mood for KFC, has decided to appease the little Jeffrey Dahmer in all of us. That's right, Popeyes new Rip'n Chick'n is a chicken breast, sliced partially through, and then fried. And it looks like a human hand. Now you can indulge your man-eating desires without the taboo of human flesh! Don't belive it is supposed to look like battered and fried human digits? Then why do you think they call the parts you rip off "fingers"?

The concept and execution are bad enough. But then they take this mangled hand-breast and serve it with fries (OK), biscuit (OK)... and ranch dressing... WTF??? Why does everything on the face of the earth have to come with ranch dressing? I mean, it looks like peppered "man-juice" and tastes like... Well, you don't want to know.

Seriously, I can go just about anywhere and they are like, "would you like ranch with that," and I'm like "Hell no, you bastard, don't deface my food with your speckled dressing!" Why would I want that??? Blue cheese, honey mustard, even ketchup, and I'm good. But ranch? That stuff is awful.

Now all I can think about is ranch. What was I talking about?  Oh well. Never mind.

-UW

 

Allergy Warning: May Contain Trace Amounts of Anchovies

This is the warning that is on my lunch today. One would assume that this is a normal warning for some foods. Perhaps the items was packed in a fish laden factory with anchovy bits flying everywhere. Alas, this was not the case. You see, I like to eat at my desk at work and usually I bring food or the makings of food. Today's lunch was assemble it yourself peanut butter and jelly. The bread was normal. Both jars are Walmart's Great Value brand. I don't need fancy expensive stuff. The cheap will be fine for me. The peanut butter contains peanuts and a few other ingredients to preserve freshness and keep the oil from separating from the peanut butter. I can accept this. The jelly is actually strawberry preserves. The ingredients are just about what you would expect, strawberries, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, sugar, pectin, and citric acid. Pretty normal fare for preserves, right? Well, at least for the cheap stuff it is. The peanuts have this printed on the side: Allergy Warning: Contains Peanuts. Normal right? The preserves, though... Well they list this allergy warning.

Allergy Warning: May Contain Trace Amounts of Milk, Eggs, Anchovies, Peanuts, Wheat and Soy.

Wait a minute, anchovies???  In my jelly??? The rest I can overlook but, anchovies??? I do not understand how this could be. What kind of monster food plant processes all those and anchovies next to my preserves?  I tasted it, it didn't taste like fish but still I am a bit wary. Perhaps it would be better to spend a dollar or two more for the "good stuff".

-UW

Did I ever tell you about the best soda I ever drank?

It was back in my college days.  I was in North Carolina and needed a break so I drove off in my '85 Ford Escort Wagon.  An hour or so later I was on some road in South Carolina and wanted a Diet Coke.  In the distance I saw the Golden Arches and pulled over. Inside it looked like a normal McDonalds, but the soda fountain poured pure heaven. The syrup was mixed perfectly with the carbonated water. It was refreshing, it was wonderful, it was 32 ounces of bliss.

I have never had the perfect mix again and when I went to find the McDonalds again I never could. I suppose once can only taste heaven once in their lives, even if it is Diet Coke Heaven.

-UW

Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959!

Professor Walter's old recipe blog came up with a neat treat the other day.  Better Homes & Gardens Holiday Cook Book from 1959. This gem has some glorious things, like cocktail wieners with bacon wrapped olives and bowls of plastic fruit.

 

The front is only the beginning of the fun you could have at a party in 1959.  Check out the back, paying special attention to the oh-so glamorous birthday party clown.  No party is complete without one.

So, how can we have this special party for ourselves in 2011?  Well first of all you need an anorexic wife with an enormous rear to decorate your overly crowded table with your equally thin daughter.  Short haircuts are a must.  Be certain to make the centerpiece a large hourglass.

So, now for the real meat of the challenge.  To party like it's 1959, you have to plan for it. This handy guide will help you with hints like putting pillows on the floor for people to sit on, because after all, chairs are so informal.  

Finally, for the party you must plan activities, lest your guests become bored and, god forbid, leave.  For a proper holiday party it is best to bring a nurse, linebacker, policeman, mariachi lady, and skeevy guy recording everything for blackmail purposes later.  Don't forget, buffet traffic must flow smoothly or chaos will reign supreme.

And on that buffet table, what should you serve?  How about creepy Pinocchios with random foods shoved on their noses?  Nothing says tasty like little wooden boy snot.  Since this is a 1959 party, the tray below should serve ten people. 

For the main dish we must go with an Italian classic: spaghetti with meatballs, with some little freaky guy watching you.  He serves no other purpose than to watch you, much like a cannibal waiting for his dinner to be fattened.  At night, I imagine this guy sneaks in and attacks the elderly to make more meatballs.

And that is how you party in 1959, any questions?  Good.  Now go celebrate!

-Uncle Walter

Banquet Frozen Spaghetti and "Meatballs"

For lunch today I raided the freezer and found that The Wife had picked up a batch of the Banquet frozen dinners, which all seemed the be spaghetti and meatballs.  I am sure she got it for The Boy, but I needed a lunch so I grabbed it.  There are plenty left for him.  Sadly, I have not yet realized the culinary disaster I was about to experience.

At lunch I opened the package, utilizing the clever little "tear here" strip that never tears completely.  Inside was a black plastic container with a thin film of plastic on top.  Below the film were frozen noodles on one side and on the other, what resembled frozen testicles in strawberry jam. The directions were easy enough to follow.  Make a slit in the plastic, cook for three minutes, stir, and cook for one to one and a half minutes more.  I took my trusty plastic fork and attempted to break the protective film on top. The fork broke. I kid you not, this was some serious plastic. The frozen noodles laughed at me, until I pulled out my Gerber multi-tool and made a quick incision with a knife.  Into the microwave it went and I waited for three minutes.

DING!  I took it out and peeled back the film.  I pulled out the trusty "replacement" fork and went to stir.  Unfortunately the arctic tundra of jam and testicle sauce refused to budge. A few quick jabs broke it into manageable pieces and stirring of a sort commenced.  Soon the "sauce" and the noodles where commingled as best one could hope for.  Back into the microwave it went, for one and one half minutes.

DING!  I removed the tray and peeled back the film, like I would remove the dirty sheet off the bed.  Behold, before my eyes, was something that appeared similar to the cover of the box, yet different.  The aroma of bland, watered down tomatoes wafted to my nose and I took my seat to eat.  Fork #2 continued its long tradition of serving me and soon some noodles entered my mouth.

Yes, they felt like noodles.  And tasted like them.  So far, so good.  The sauce though, oh the sauce, was some sort of salty tomato type thing that was very watered down.  For some unknown reason, perhaps for seasoning, there were black dots in the sauce.  The dots still made me think of strawberry seeds, but fortunately that was where the similarity ended.  This flavor was not good, but acceptable.  Then I made a horrible mistake and took a bite out of the testi-- I mean meat ball, which yes, still looked like a testicle, despite the claims that it was a ball of meat.

It was a mass of meat-like substance that had, quite literally, no flavor at all.  It had a consistency similar to play-dough, but broke apart more easily.  It was a distasteful thing, something that sent shivers down to my soul.  It was what I would imagine eating an eyeball is like.  My eyes, and balls, twinged at the thought.

The overall flavor was poor, the consistency weak, and the mental imagery terrifying.  The price, I am sure, was good, but not worth the mental anguish of consuming the dish.  I give it a 23 out of 438827363.

-Uncle Walter

Happy Dance Like a Chicken Day!

Today, May 14th, is Dance Like a Chicken Day!  So head down to Chick-fil-a and dance with your food!

-UW

Oh, god what am I doing?

I ate a small lunch of leftover Chinese today, it wasn't good nor was it satisfying.  Then a friend walked past my desk and left something there for me.

Yep, it's the new KFC Double Down complete with 540 calories and 32 grams of fat.  Pretty awesome right?  Well I have to eat it, I am compelled to so here comes the first bite...

Oh my god... it was as if I was chewing heaven in my mouth!

So much chicken, so much bacon, so many calories, I so do not care, it is that good.

Wow, I am out of words to describe it.  This thing is good.. a bit salty, but really good.  Surprisingly it isn't that bad heath wise when you compare it to the other fast foods out there.  In fact the Big Mac has 540 calories too and just a hair less calories.  Check out this article and go eat one yourself today!

-UW

PS...  If you don't want all that meat this site has a recipe to make a Vegan Double Down.

Extreme Eating but good reading

Neat little PDF on extreme eating here

http://cspinet.org/new/pdf/x-treme_eating.pdf