Uncle Walter's Rants

Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1959!

Professor Walter's old recipe blog came up with a neat treat the other day.  Better Homes & Gardens Holiday Cook Book from 1959. This gem has some glorious things, like cocktail wieners with bacon wrapped olives and bowls of plastic fruit.

 

The front is only the beginning of the fun you could have at a party in 1959.  Check out the back, paying special attention to the oh-so glamorous birthday party clown.  No party is complete without one.

So, how can we have this special party for ourselves in 2011?  Well first of all you need an anorexic wife with an enormous rear to decorate your overly crowded table with your equally thin daughter.  Short haircuts are a must.  Be certain to make the centerpiece a large hourglass.

So, now for the real meat of the challenge.  To party like it's 1959, you have to plan for it. This handy guide will help you with hints like putting pillows on the floor for people to sit on, because after all, chairs are so informal.  

Finally, for the party you must plan activities, lest your guests become bored and, god forbid, leave.  For a proper holiday party it is best to bring a nurse, linebacker, policeman, mariachi lady, and skeevy guy recording everything for blackmail purposes later.  Don't forget, buffet traffic must flow smoothly or chaos will reign supreme.

And on that buffet table, what should you serve?  How about creepy Pinocchios with random foods shoved on their noses?  Nothing says tasty like little wooden boy snot.  Since this is a 1959 party, the tray below should serve ten people. 

For the main dish we must go with an Italian classic: spaghetti with meatballs, with some little freaky guy watching you.  He serves no other purpose than to watch you, much like a cannibal waiting for his dinner to be fattened.  At night, I imagine this guy sneaks in and attacks the elderly to make more meatballs.

And that is how you party in 1959, any questions?  Good.  Now go celebrate!

-Uncle Walter

Banquet Frozen Spaghetti and "Meatballs"

For lunch today I raided the freezer and found that The Wife had picked up a batch of the Banquet frozen dinners, which all seemed the be spaghetti and meatballs.  I am sure she got it for The Boy, but I needed a lunch so I grabbed it.  There are plenty left for him.  Sadly, I have not yet realized the culinary disaster I was about to experience.

At lunch I opened the package, utilizing the clever little "tear here" strip that never tears completely.  Inside was a black plastic container with a thin film of plastic on top.  Below the film were frozen noodles on one side and on the other, what resembled frozen testicles in strawberry jam. The directions were easy enough to follow.  Make a slit in the plastic, cook for three minutes, stir, and cook for one to one and a half minutes more.  I took my trusty plastic fork and attempted to break the protective film on top. The fork broke. I kid you not, this was some serious plastic. The frozen noodles laughed at me, until I pulled out my Gerber multi-tool and made a quick incision with a knife.  Into the microwave it went and I waited for three minutes.

DING!  I took it out and peeled back the film.  I pulled out the trusty "replacement" fork and went to stir.  Unfortunately the arctic tundra of jam and testicle sauce refused to budge. A few quick jabs broke it into manageable pieces and stirring of a sort commenced.  Soon the "sauce" and the noodles where commingled as best one could hope for.  Back into the microwave it went, for one and one half minutes.

DING!  I removed the tray and peeled back the film, like I would remove the dirty sheet off the bed.  Behold, before my eyes, was something that appeared similar to the cover of the box, yet different.  The aroma of bland, watered down tomatoes wafted to my nose and I took my seat to eat.  Fork #2 continued its long tradition of serving me and soon some noodles entered my mouth.

Yes, they felt like noodles.  And tasted like them.  So far, so good.  The sauce though, oh the sauce, was some sort of salty tomato type thing that was very watered down.  For some unknown reason, perhaps for seasoning, there were black dots in the sauce.  The dots still made me think of strawberry seeds, but fortunately that was where the similarity ended.  This flavor was not good, but acceptable.  Then I made a horrible mistake and took a bite out of the testi-- I mean meat ball, which yes, still looked like a testicle, despite the claims that it was a ball of meat.

It was a mass of meat-like substance that had, quite literally, no flavor at all.  It had a consistency similar to play-dough, but broke apart more easily.  It was a distasteful thing, something that sent shivers down to my soul.  It was what I would imagine eating an eyeball is like.  My eyes, and balls, twinged at the thought.

The overall flavor was poor, the consistency weak, and the mental imagery terrifying.  The price, I am sure, was good, but not worth the mental anguish of consuming the dish.  I give it a 23 out of 438827363.

-Uncle Walter

"My god," He thinks. "She is beautiful."

That line made The Wife laugh tonight.  Now, you may ask how could this make her laugh?  Well, in my sordid past, I was in the public speaking team in high school.  I was pretty bad at it, but the skills never left and have only gotten better.  One specific way they have improved is in my ability to do, well, a little bit of voice acting, I suppose.  So when The Wife asked me to read a portion of a romance novel from a website, I couldn't resist creating voices for all the characters, going all out with it.  Each voice developed through the story, and the man's didn't click until I saw that line. Instantly I knew that a 70% Charlton Heston was called for.  So, our female character opens her front door to see her boss, who has come over to help her with some work.  He looks at her and thinks to himself:

"My god, She is beautiful."

Now, imagine Charlton Heston saying that line, kind of chewing on the words, "My god."  That one line almost had her hit the floor, and really made me think.  Should I make a book on tape?  Well, MP3, rather?  I think I actually found something that I enjoy and may be good at, but still adds to the Uncle Walter empire.  Of course the whole thing is pretty funny to listen to as well, and it would manage to get me to read a romance novel.  Let me know what you think.

-UW

A little classic comedy with Jerry Lewis

Today's comics seem to be, well, less funny than their classic counterparts.  Jerry Seinfeld has quick wit and showed it on his show, but Bob Hope and Bing Crosby are much more impressive and funny in their "Road To" comedies.  Their timing was fantastic, and every bit was guaranteed to bring a laugh.  Jim Carey is a funny enough guy, but his skill is playing extremes with characters such as Ace Ventura.  His more normal roles tend to be, well, mundane.  On the classic front you have Jerry Lewis who could and would perform the great physical comedies, but also had the timing and wit to make it all work so well.  On that note I would like to present a classic clip from Lewis's movie, The Errand Boy.  Not one word is spoken, but the timing and performance are flawless.

Could you imagine a modern comic pulling something like that off?  No, comedy has become something more "cerebral" as of late, and the physical skills are fading.  Carey's are over exaggerated, but Lewis has the magic.  

As with all discussions about comedy we have to end on Family Guy, where Seth Macfarlane brings back many of the classic styles.  Bob Hope and Bing Crosby are resurrected as Stewie and Brian (human name comes first like in Tuner and Hooch) in their Road To stories.  So, on that note, I have to present the same clip, next to one with Peter Griffin from Family Guy performing the same scene.

-UW

Sex Ed for the Confused Locker Room Losers

So, I was going through the archives, cleaning out the house today when I came across the remnants of a mangled sex ed book that The Wife had used for her now famous posts Sex Education for Girls and Sex Education for Boys.  That was a pretty funny post set she did, but as I pulled through the random pages with kidney stone sized sperm (yes, with frickin' laser beams) I found a comic she hadn't used about male insecurity in the locker room.   Now since this is, ahem, a little more risque than my normal post you will have to choose to click on it to see the pic and read the rest.

This is so wrong, but just too funny - Hipster Hitler

We all remember our favorite dictator Hitler.  Well he's back as Hipster Hitler at www.hipsterhitler.com!  There are three comics so far, t-shirts, and such for sale.  There are great captions like, "Three reichs and you're out".  Too funny, especially for a history buff like me. 

Check is out, www.hipsterhitler.com

-Uncle Walter

I couldn't help myself

The romance blogs are filled with the flowery horrible prose and images that dominate the genre.  While the Wife may read them, I do not.  I just can't bring myself to do it.  I read other things sci-fi, history and such.  Lately I have been reading How Few Remain by Harry Turtledove.  It is an alternative history novel telling the story of the United States and the Confederate states going to war in 1881, twenty years after the south won their independence.  So far it has been an enjoyable read, and then, for no reason, no reason at all, there was a sex scene.  It was as bad as many in the romance novels.  I had to use it so the Wife and I did just that last night.

http://romance.unclewaltersrants.com/2010/04/can-you-guess-who-sam-is.html

So, we titled it "Can you guess who Sam is?" in reference to the man's name which is Sam.  There is a link embedded in the post which reveals the secret at Professor Walter.  After you read it check out the rest of this post to see a topless pic of the hero.

Sweet Pixelated Humor

PIXELS by PATRICK JEAN.
Uploaded by onemoreprod. - Arts and animation videos.

What the world needs now...is a good critic

Once upon a time I started this little blog because of one thing, the movie Ultra Violet.  As a fan of bad movies I hoped that this would provide some enjoyment.  The reviews were mixed, but they never match my tastes.  Either the movie is great or stinks by them, but they never worked for me.  Then I saw this poorly assembled piece of garbage and I realized that someone should have warned me.  No one told me really how bad it was, no one prepared me, no one told me taking a bathroom break and missing some would have made it a better movie.  I felt it was my duty to be that person and warn people about bad films (and approve of good ones).  Yet, somehow in the process of the rants blog other things came up and it evolved from my23cents.com (movie reviews) to Uncle Walter's Rants (lots 'o' ranty things).

This weekend I took the boy and girl to see How to Train Your Dragon.  It was a fun adventure that was action packed and with a happy ending .  It is one of those movies that I think just about everyone would enjoy.  Yet the news stated it was doing poorly in the box office.  It deserves props.  I feel that old desire brewing again to be a movie critic, just on the side.  Should I start up My23Cents as a movie review site again, as it was in the beginning?

-UW

Why teach history?

A question was brought to me at one point that surprised and troubled me.  Someone came to me asking, "Why do we teach history?".  He went on to explain he understands the whole 'learn from the past so you don't repeat the mistakes' thing, but what is important about dates and details.  For him, there was a Civil War, and it was about slavery.  What else did you really need to know?  I was taken aback by this attitude and as I thought about it I came to the realization that many school children, and in fact their parents, feel this way.  Even more disturbing is when you see an adult who believes that history is taught only to reinforce right/left wing view points.  That it is plain and simple brainwashing. 

As one who enjoys history I feel it is my obligation to speak to this.  First of all what you must understand is that we are not a single point of time.  There is a rich past that exists and it is what has made us all what we are today.  That goes for the main points such as the assassination of JFK, to the smaller points of the coloring Pepsi chose when they made their logo.  Each component has influenced the people around us and you yourself. 

Second you must be willing to accept that history is not clean, and what you know may be wrong.  Was the Civil War about slavery?  Well, yes and no.  At the core level it came down to state's rights.  Slavery was the way in which it manifested itself.  Slavery was a moral wrong, but it is not the whole answer.  George Washington didn't have wooden teeth, but he did have very bad teeth.  We locked up Japanese Americans during WWII for no reason other than them being Japanese.  We took land and spread disease among the Native Americans.  The Communist party was strong in the United States before WWII.  Nixon opened the door to China, and was party to horrible events resulting in his resignation.  We do not choose our history, instead our history has chosen us as we are a product of it.  

Third, learn to question everything.  As a child I was taught in school that the founding fathers were brilliant revolutionaries.  They were all friends who strove for a common goal.  This information came straight out of textbooks.  Well, they were brilliant, and what they accomplished is unparalleled in history, but they fought amongst each other just as politicians of today do.  Arron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel.  They formed political parties to rally against each other.  They were people, not the ideals that were presented.  Washington never cut down the cherry tree as a child, but was an incredible man whose death was felt world wide.  Napoleon declared ten days of national mourning upon hearing the news.  As we expand our knowledge we understand more and more about what really happened.  One thing that we have learned is that those living in those times chose what to leave to us so that they would look as they wished.  It is our duty to learn the truth as to who those people really were.

And why learn the truth?  Why teach history?  Because when we learn history we learn about ourselves.  Lincoln was a great man, but was quite likely ill.  William Henry Harrison was the oldest president until Ronald Reagan.  He was also the shortest lived (31 days as president) and had the longest inauguration speech.  Marconi is often credited with inventing the radio, but the Supreme Court of the United States verified Tesla's patents overrode Marconi's.  It is said that Marconi based some of his work on readings of Tesla's. 

So yes, we must teach history, so that we may learn who we are.  So each child knows why things are.  So that each adult knows how we came to be.  So that we all understand and appreciate how delicate our lives are and how the smallest event could have changed our destiny.

-UW