One day I went into school and something seemed different. I don't know just what tipped me off to it though. Maybe it was the mold growing on the walls, or perhaps it was the fact that a friend of mine had a long white beard. Yes, something had changed. First period was quite off. The teacher kept forgetting her lessons, and when she bent over to get a book she threw her back out. She also looked, well um... older. Then it hit me, like a Ford Truck (The Best Never Rest). Everyone in the school had gotten really old overnight. This was definitely not a normal event.
So, when first period ended I went to the bathroom to look into a mirror to see if I was any older. Inside, the bathroom was packed. Students were complaining about poor grades, poor government and, poor bladder control. In fact, they were complaining about everything. I looked into the mirror and saw that I had not aged. "Quite off, I must say," I thought to myself. Well I still had to get to second period, so I went to class. Once again everyone there was very old, and the room was covered in dust, and cobwebs.
After second period, which consisted of a heated debate about the poor government, and the good old days, (which was strange since it was an English class) I went into the hall and saw something really weird amidst the ancient students: a 5 ft. tall chicken. "You know," I thought to myself, "I bet that that chicken did this." Well, I decided right there and then that I had to do something about this chicken, so I walked right up to him (or her, I wasn't quite sure) and said, "Hey you, yeah you the 5 ft. tall chicken! What did you do?" The chicken slowly swiveled its head around and stared at me. THen slowly its beak opened and a quiet click came out of its mouth. I was a bit taken aback by this large chicken with its beak open staring at me like that, so I picked up a passing teacher and flung him into the chicken's beak. Well, the chicken swallowed the teacher in one gulp. And then it smiled an evil smile. (I'm not quite sure how a chicken could smile, now that I think back on it, but it seemed like a smile to me at the time.)
Just then 4 more chickens rounded a corner and stepped into the hall between me and the other chicken. These 4 were wearing gaudy rhinestone costumes. One walked forward and spoke, "We are sorry about the disturbance that we have caused. All will be returned to normal in a short while. We were merely attempting to alter time to contact Elvis Presley. We shall have Elvis soon." Then, before I could answer, a huge square of light formed on the hall floor and steps leading down into the floor appeared. Then, to my amazement, out walked The King, Elvis. Along with two other 5 ft. tall chickens in rhinestone suits. When Elvis appeared the chickens that I had been talking to knelt onto the ground and kissed Elvis's shoes. Then Elvis turned and said, "I've found a new place to dwell," and he and the chickens dissolved into little piles of rhinestones, and all was normal once again.
The Uncle Walter Archives are a collection of posts and writings that pre-date www.unclewaltersrants.com Some are fun, some are just odd, and some just don't make sense.
-Uncle Walter
